December 1, 2012
Our first Christmas in our first home together...wild. Brian and I went to my dad's house and sorted through my mom's Christmas decorations and ornaments. It was an odd experience, particularly considering my mom died right after the new year and we never took down all of the decorations she put up for that Christmas.
As we sorted through the boxes, the slight smell of dust and mildew drifting up from the lids, memories of past Chrismas's came back. I recalled particular ornaments before they appeared in my hand. I found my favorites wrapped gently in tissue paper, her hands probably the last to touch them, a fact I only realize now, as I type.
I looked around the same basement that was so warmly decorated in my youth. The basement where we would crowd around the tree early in the morning - I couldn't contain my excitement, even as a teenager - opening gifts. After we exchanged gifts, my mom would make us breakfast - bagel sandwiches, better than any I've ever had - while my dad and I tinkered with our new gifts. Later in the day, I would listen to her upstairs, cooking a feast for our family, preparing the house for our gathering as Christmas tunes filled the house.
After she died, my dad and I stopped getting a Christmas tree, we had somber gift exchanges, we fled town that first Christmas and went to visit Lehigh family friends in New Hampshire and Indiana. We didn't really know what to do without her and we weren't up to the task of fighting through that first holiday season without her. Since then, Christmas, and every holiday for that matter, have been pretty absent of meaning. They just become days like any other, days that, like every other, remind me that she is gone.
A few months after meeting Brian, we drove to Tennessee together to visit his family for Christmas. It was the first time in years that I found myself once again surrounded by all things Christmas. It was odd to be back in that kind of environment, watching people shred gifts and hold them up for others to see, feeling the frenetic energy of a house full of people.
This year, was another landmark event in my adult life. Brian and I spent our first Christmas (our second together) in our first home together. Brian loves decorating for Christmas. He reminds me of my mom in that regard. It is nice to have that balance, since I don't particularly care for holiday decorating. It was nice to see the lights strung up on the wall and have Christmas music playing as the default as we cleaned and cooked. What was particularly nice was decorating our first tree together. We took my mom's old ornaments and placed them one by one on the tree, together. We joked and laughed. We imagined our future together. Later, before we left for Tennessee for the holidays, we exchanged gifts while Kitty watched from a chair. I was excited to give gifts in a way that I haven't felt since I grew up enough to get my mom meaningful gifts.
Brian brought the excitement of Christmas back into my life. His excitement for this time of year reminded me of how great it can be. I am thankful to be able to share my life with Brian and am thankful that he balances me in all the ways I need.
Our first Christmas in our first home together...wild. Brian and I went to my dad's house and sorted through my mom's Christmas decorations and ornaments. It was an odd experience, particularly considering my mom died right after the new year and we never took down all of the decorations she put up for that Christmas.
As we sorted through the boxes, the slight smell of dust and mildew drifting up from the lids, memories of past Chrismas's came back. I recalled particular ornaments before they appeared in my hand. I found my favorites wrapped gently in tissue paper, her hands probably the last to touch them, a fact I only realize now, as I type.
I looked around the same basement that was so warmly decorated in my youth. The basement where we would crowd around the tree early in the morning - I couldn't contain my excitement, even as a teenager - opening gifts. After we exchanged gifts, my mom would make us breakfast - bagel sandwiches, better than any I've ever had - while my dad and I tinkered with our new gifts. Later in the day, I would listen to her upstairs, cooking a feast for our family, preparing the house for our gathering as Christmas tunes filled the house.
After she died, my dad and I stopped getting a Christmas tree, we had somber gift exchanges, we fled town that first Christmas and went to visit Lehigh family friends in New Hampshire and Indiana. We didn't really know what to do without her and we weren't up to the task of fighting through that first holiday season without her. Since then, Christmas, and every holiday for that matter, have been pretty absent of meaning. They just become days like any other, days that, like every other, remind me that she is gone.
A few months after meeting Brian, we drove to Tennessee together to visit his family for Christmas. It was the first time in years that I found myself once again surrounded by all things Christmas. It was odd to be back in that kind of environment, watching people shred gifts and hold them up for others to see, feeling the frenetic energy of a house full of people.
This year, was another landmark event in my adult life. Brian and I spent our first Christmas (our second together) in our first home together. Brian loves decorating for Christmas. He reminds me of my mom in that regard. It is nice to have that balance, since I don't particularly care for holiday decorating. It was nice to see the lights strung up on the wall and have Christmas music playing as the default as we cleaned and cooked. What was particularly nice was decorating our first tree together. We took my mom's old ornaments and placed them one by one on the tree, together. We joked and laughed. We imagined our future together. Later, before we left for Tennessee for the holidays, we exchanged gifts while Kitty watched from a chair. I was excited to give gifts in a way that I haven't felt since I grew up enough to get my mom meaningful gifts.
Brian brought the excitement of Christmas back into my life. His excitement for this time of year reminded me of how great it can be. I am thankful to be able to share my life with Brian and am thankful that he balances me in all the ways I need.
Oh Kitty...
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